Pardon My Pen
George and Cleo
By George Campbell
To: The SPCA
From: Cleo (short for 'Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt') the Cat
Subject: Training report for my newly assigned caregiver, George Campbell
Well, it is now several months since Ive been here and considering his advanced age, old Gee Cee (George Campbell) is responding to my training quite well. The old geezer is almost 81 and is inclined to sleep most of the time, but that is all right as us cats tend to sleep a lot, too. The trouble arises when he is awake as he moves quite slowly and is often tardy in responding to my demands for food or to be let outdoors. I have, however, come up with a solution to this little problem.
I simply start sharpening my claws on the wall-to-wall carpeting in the living room. Boy! You ought to see him move then! He is up and out of his chair like someone just jabbed him in the bottom with a red-hot needle. It is really quite an invigorating sight to behold, and it does my little pussycats heart good to see the speed at which the old geezer can move when properly motivated.
Speaking of my demands for food, this is one of the areas in which I am having trouble with old Gee Cee. Oh, he feeds me often enough, and there is always plenty on my plate. The trouble is the quality of the food he provides. I like Fancy Feast cat food, but he tends to buy the cheaper brands. I guess it is his Scottish heritage coming out. Either that or the old geezer is just plain cheap. Frankly, I suspect it is the latter. I am stumped on how to deal with this problem, so any help you can give from the head office would be appreciated.
Another problem that has me stumped is his 'hurry-up-and-make-up-your-mind' attitude when he comes to the door to let me outside. When the door opens, I like to look out for a few minutes to take in the scenery. You know, to check the air for temperature, and to see if its raining out or not. But he wants the door open and me out, like right now, so he can close the door again. So what he does is put the side his foot against my backside and then sort of boosts me out through the open door. Can you believe it? What must the neighbours think? I mean, is this any way to treat royalty?
If he would have one of those cat doors installed it would solve this little problem, but he wont because hes worried about raccoons coming into the house during the night. All the raccoons I have seen around here are as fat as pigs and would never be able to get in through an opening small enough for me. I have, after all, the lithe, elegant, slim body of my forebears, the Royal cats of Egypt.
Fortunately for me, old Gee Cee has had cats for pets before, and is somewhat understanding of our nature and our likes and dislikes. Of course, all of the cats he has had in the past have been males, and as we all know, male cats are notoriously poor at training their so-called 'masters'. Thats because male cats, like male humans, have mostly only one thing on their minds, the randy rascals.
Still, not to complain, most of the time old Gee Cee and I get along just fine together, and I am quite happy staying here with him. As for getting him properly trained to care for me in the manner to which I should like to become accustomed--I am sure I can accomplish this in time. I just hope the old geezer lives that long.
I will send a further report in a couple of months.
Signed, Cleo the Cat
